My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
