strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
