I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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