take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
