Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
