my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
