You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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