just tell him i said nine months
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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