You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
