I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
