I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
