Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
