Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize