feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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