alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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