Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
