Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
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