Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
