I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
