Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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