I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
