do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
