some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
