woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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