I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
