are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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