I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
His hands were made for my vagina.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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