does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
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