I only kidnapped one of them. chill
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
