Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
smell my finger.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
