someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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