we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
