I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
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