i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
