before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
