I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
