So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
