I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
