I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
