new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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