Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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