I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
