They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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