You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
