He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
