thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
