nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
