i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
