Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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