The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
