accomplished twins. life is a go
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
