I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
